Everything you need to know about Helen Clark

As part of my continuing ‘cyber stalking‘ thread, a few weeks ago I sent a friend request to our soon-to-be leader of the opposition. It’s pretty obvious that she one of her aides had only created a Facebook profile to show the kids what a hip cat she is, and whoever was managing it clearly has no idea what the fuck they’re doing, ‘cos about a week later – and while I was getting a couple hundred views a day to my various anti-Labour rants (we love election years!) – I get this little surprise…

Once behind the velvet rope and into Helen’s inner sanctum (ooh err!), a few startling revelations…

Poking of the PM is encouraged! By men as well!

She is surrounded by ass kissers. Shame on you, Scott Bartlett!

And even more disturbing, I found myself sandwiched between Harry Duynhoven and Trevor Mallard. I could live a long time and never need to repeat that one, I can assure you!

Anyhoo, I laughed my ass off and left it at that, and by the looks of things so did she the aide managing her profile. No updates at all until today, when she announced the date for the general election.

I have the Facebook for BlackBerry app, and found myself reading her wall updates while on the ferry home this evening. It was disgusting – countless sycophants sniffing her throne, wanking on about what a visionary she is [sic]. One schmuck waxed lyrical about how great she was for her ‘the war wouldn’t have happened on Gore’s watch‘ comment.

Yep, even if the statement wasn’t a complete lie*, insulting the world’s most powerful man is a brilliant move for the PM of a tiny agrarian nation with dreams of a US free trade deal. She’s a goddamn vagenius !

The most recent post was from some moron agreeing with a statement the PM had apparently made today, that a change in government would lead to instability and was therefore not in the best interests of the nation**. Get your tongue out of her trousers, mate – these are the 80’s and she’s down with the ladies!

Never one to shy away from a challenge, I contributed a wall post in which I *politely* pointed out to this chap that since more than half of the electorate clearly want Helen and her cronies gone, a change of government is actually in the best interests of the country. I added that instability comes from the suppression of democracy, rather than its application in accordance with the law and the will of the people.

Not exactly the kind of stuff Helen the aide that manages Helen’s profile expects to see I suppose, and probably deserving of a stern rebuke or harsh words. Is that what happened?


I have been removed from Helen’s friends list, and all of the posts on her wall have been deleted.

Helen Clark doesn’t believe in free speech. She doesn’t condone or participate in civilized discourse. Cross the line (i.e. fail to kiss her ass) and she’ll have one of her flunkies usher you away and then pretend you were never there.

That, friends, is all you need to know about Helen Clark. VOTE NATIONAL!

*Gore is a lying, self-serving hypocrite. The only way the war might not have happened on his watch would be that he would likely have offered a preemptive surrender. Either that or he would have been too busy inventing man-made global warming to find time for any *pesky* military stuff.

**First the Electoral Finance Act and now this? She sounds more like Robert Mugabe every day! Viva El Presidente!


I swear I have a post brewing – it’s just that, well, the Friday night poker game was a bit… *jollier* than usual last night and I’m not quite on form today. (My head feels like a Frenchman’s been living in it)

While I’m sorting my shit out, you have to watch this video. I’d heard it had been done and wondered what it would sound like, and wonder no more.

Behold – skinny white guy with an acoustic guitar performs a not-half-bad cover of NWA‘s ‘Fuck the Police‘. Awesome*.


*Almost as good as the Sesame Street version.